How to recognize the impact of family dynamics on eating disorder development

December 5, 2023

In this article we’ll untangle how family dynamics impact and shape eating disorders. We’ll also provide some tips for parents who want to help their child recover. I encourage you to reflect on your own family dynamics and think about how they may have contributed to your child’s eating disorder. This is absolutely not coming from a place of blame, but in pursuit of understanding.

The five major family dynamics that are commonly associated with eating disorders are:

1. Low emotional literacy: don’t talk about difficult feelings and emotions
2. Conflict avoidance: ignore or avoid difficult conversations, walk on eggshells
3. Poor boundaries: have trouble setting and maintaining clear interpersonal boundaries; the child may over- or under-perform for the sake of the parent
4. Rigid and controlling: parent demands discipline and respect
5. Chaotic: there is little structure and parent has low authority in the home

This cannot be overstated: parents are not ever responsible for a child’s eating disorder. Eating disorders are biopsychosocial disorders, which means they have biological, psychological, and social components. Family dynamics are just one element of the social environment. Parents are neither responsible for eating disorder development nor in control of recovery. But they can make a significant impact on a child’s chances of eating disorder recovery if they work to improve family dynamics and optimize the healing environment.

Free Download: How To Parent A Child With An Eating Disorder

The 6 basic steps you need to follow to help your child recover from an eating disorder.

1. Low emotional literacy: don’t talk about feelings and emotions

There is evidence that families that have low emotional literacy or don’t talk about feelings and emotions may be more likely to have a child with an eating disorder. Eating disorders are often viewed as emotional coping mechanisms that a child adopts in order to process feelings and emotions.

Emotional literacy is crucial for navigating and understanding our own emotions as well as those of others. It enables individuals to express their feelings effectively, develop empathy, and build stronger relationships. By being emotionally literate, we can identify and regulate our emotions, making informed decisions and managing stress more effectively. Additionally, emotional literacy promotes mental well-being and helps prevent emotional repression or volatility. Helping kids develop emotional intelligence equips them with valuable skills essential for personal growth, communication, and overall emotional health.

⭐ Tips for Parents: Build your family’s emotional literacy. This means intentionally talking about how you feel. It will take practice and consistency to build up your vocabulary and comfort with emotions. Start by trying to describe and truly feel your own feelings at least once per day. Use words beyond just sad, mad, afraid, or happy. Next, ask your kid(s) how they feel. Ask them to describe and sit with their feeling. Make this a daily practice and it will become easier and more natural.

2. Conflict avoidance: ignore or avoid difficult conversations, walk on eggshells

Conflict avoidance is commonly associated with family dynamics that may lay the groundwork for an eating disorder. This is a way for the family to avoid talking about feelings and emotions by avoiding them entirely.

Avoiding conflict with kids may seem like a good idea, but it can have negative consequences. Conflict provides an opportunity for growth, learning, and communication. By addressing conflicts, parents and children can develop problem-solving skills, build resilience, and strengthen their relationships. Avoidance of conflict can lead to misunderstandings, suppressed emotions, and unresolved issues that can strain the parent-child bond. Engaging in healthy conflict resolution teaches kids how to manage disagreements in a respectful and constructive manner, preparing them for future challenges.

⭐ Tips for Parents: Start by noticing when you avoid conflict. Do you feel irritated when your partner loads the dishwasher, but instead of saying something, you just fix it? Pay attention to how many times during the day you have a feeling or opinion and shove it down to keep the peace. Next, start to clearly and calmly tell people how you feel. In the dishwasher example, you could say, “John, it would mean a lot to me if you would load the dishwasher like this.” Similarly, if you suspect your partner is upset with you about something, say “John, it seems like you’re frustrated about something. Can we talk about it?” The more you address conflict directly, the fewer eggshells will exist in your home. And if you start with yourself, the results will feel organic and are less likely to be resisted by your child(ren).

Free Download: How To Parent A Child With An Eating Disorder

The 6 basic steps you need to follow to help your child recover from an eating disorder.

3. Loose boundaries: have trouble setting and maintaining clear interpersonal boundaries; the child may over- or under-perform for the sake of the parent

Families that have poor boundaries may raise kids who either over- or under-perform for the sake of the parent. These children may be “parentified” in that they feel they need to take on a parental role. Or they may be enmeshed with the parent and have trouble knowing where they end and the parent begins.

Establishing boundaries is crucial for parents as it creates a healthy and safe environment for their children. Clear and consistent boundaries help children develop a strong sense of self and independence. Without boundaries, children may feel confused or overwhelmed, leading to unintended consequences. Furthermore, setting boundaries helps maintain a balance between the parent’s needs and those of their child, creating mutual respect and understanding. It is essential for parents to prioritize boundary setting and communication in fostering healthy relationships with their children.

Clear interpersonal boundaries arise when each person in the family feels both strong as an individual and linked to the group. But in many family systems, boundaries become blurred. This is often because the parent(s) did not grow up in families that had good boundaries. Family patterns, especially dysfunctional ones, get passed down unless they are intentionally interrupted.

⭐ Tips for Parents: Work with a therapist or coach who can help you learn healthy boundaries. This will improve your life in every aspect, and will benefit everyone in your family. As you learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries, your child who has an eating disorder will feel released from significant pressure they may have been feeling in the relationship.

4. Rigid and controlling: parent demands discipline and respect

There are two completely different parenting styles often associated with eating disorders. On the one end are rigid and controlling parents who demand discipline and respect from their children. These parents believe that children should conform to the parents’ will. They tend to minimize, ignore, or be unaware of the child’s needs.

Having controlling parents can be a challenging experience for anyone. These parents may attempt to dictate the behaviors, choices, and decisions of their children, causing feelings of stress, anxiety, and low self-esteem. Children with controlling parents may struggle with developing a sense of independence and self-direction. Additionally, these individuals may face difficulty in establishing healthy relationships, trust, and boundaries due to their upbringing. When parents learn to be less rigid and controlling, kids develop a healthier sense of self.

A rigid and controlling parent tends to make children feel they don’t have a voice. As a result, they will often rebel by using dangerous behaviors. One of the greatest rebellions for children of all ages is eating or not eating to show displeasure. Feeding our children is the very first thing we do for them, and hunger is their first impetus for communication. So when a child has an eating disorder, it may be a sign that they have something to say to a parent.

⭐ Tips for Parents: Take a deep look at how you may be trying to control your child. Now take steps to stop trying to control your child through criticism and restriction. Get help, since this will be a major adjustment for you.

Free Download: How To Parent A Child With An Eating Disorder

The 6 basic steps you need to follow to help your child recover from an eating disorder.

5. Chaotic: there is little structure and the parent has low authority in the home

On the opposite side of the spectrum are parents who tend to be chaotic. These parents impose little structure and feel they have no control over their children. The challenge is that when a parent has low authority the child feels unsafe and insecure.

A chaotic family dynamic can significantly impact children’s growth and development. Children in chaotic households may experience stress, anxiety, and trauma, causing long-term emotional and mental health issues. It can also affect a child’s academic performance, social relationships, and self-esteem. Family members in a chaotic environment may struggle with communication and problem-solving, allowing negative patterns to continue. Children may lack structure, routine, and stability, leading to a lack of trust in themselves or their caregivers. A calm, stable, and positive family environment is essential for children’s mental and emotional growth, well-being, and success.

⭐ Tips for Parents: If you feel your children control you or you just don’t have the energy or interest in setting limits, then take some time to learn how you can claim some authority in the home. This will take time and practice, and it’s best if you get professional support to examine why this became your parenting style and get the help you need to turn it around.

Getting help

Family dynamics can contribute to an eating disorder. The more you can identify and understand how your family dynamics are affecting your child, the better your chances of helping them recover. This is hard, deep work, but it is the area in which parents can have the greatest impact. Parents who work on themselves and their family dynamics are more likely to create an environment that fosters recovery.

If your child has an eating disorder, you may think they are the only one who needs help. But make no mistake: eating disorders impact the whole family. Parents don’t cause eating disorders, but they do have a tremendous impact on recovery. So please get support to help you navigate this process. If at all possible, see a therapist or coach to help.

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Ginny Jones is the founder of More-Love.org, and a Parent Coach who helps parents who have kids with disordered eating and eating disorders. Combining science, compassion, and experience coaching hundreds of families, she helps parents understand what’s going on with their kids’ eating behaviors and teaches them the science-backed skills to heal kids’ relationship with food, improve their body image, and feel better about themselves, their relationships, and life in general.

See Our Parent’s Guide To The Causes Of Eating Disorders